haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
