He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
40s are totally the cure
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
