I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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