You don't have asthma, your pregnant
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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