Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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