i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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