i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
