Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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