i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
