So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
