My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
