Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
