I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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