Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
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I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
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Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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