I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
