I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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