tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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