The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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