i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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