Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
