sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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