Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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