Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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