...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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