i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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