watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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