anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
