I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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