ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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