Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
