I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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