Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
