All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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