rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
