brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
