Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
