remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
