i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
