this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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