I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
