My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
