dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
