So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
