The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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