Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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