He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
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On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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