he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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