sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
