And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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