Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
