i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
