everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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