i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
